And I Finally Have Settled Down To Type Again..

Wow it's been a minute since I've been on this thing. Going through a divorce, dealing with family and friends, raising two kids alone, and doing a host of everything else has taken a toll on me. And not just from the relaxation time, and time to post on my blog, but on everything including my novels. I've finally settled mind down enough to think clearly and am finishing up my novel now. It sucks because I had a deadline of March 25th (give or take)! Ugh...but God is still good, and what matters now is that I'm back on track. Due August 9th. Oh, and I think I finally have a suitable title: Unveiling Juliet. I've changed this novel's titles more than my last three completed ones, and even my other incomplete ones. Goodness! But, I think this one will stick. Well, anyway. Just wanted to give a small update. I'm sure I'll post something more exciting in the near future, but bye for now! *Smiles*

The Sex Was Incredible

Yeah, Yeah
The kissing, the holding,
Skin like satin to my intimates
Drowning me
Delving into a sea of ecstasy
And the pool never ends...
Swayed my mind into thinking maybe I was wrong
Maybe things aren't that bad
Maybe I should take a couple of steps back and assess the situation from a new angle
Blah blah blah, yackety smackety
It was so good that I fed myself to you bit by bit for years
until I was no more
A shadow of the person that used to be there
A reminder of what she could've been
Forgetting about everything I once stood for,
I drove wrecklessy after you
The road curved to the left
but I ran off into a ditch and was stuck there
My incompetent feminine desires betrayed me to the max
The deeper you went,
the deeper, did I go?
Oh yes I did
Punishing me
I lost myself
I called for my brain that was lost in some bone chilling blizzard
All I saw was what suited you
Your dreams, your desires
What position you wanted me in
Turn that way, head down, back curved...that's perfect
And it would've been if my midnight pleasures didn't control me
No, it would've been if it had never been
Making any sense?
It should
You should get it by now
My ventriloquist
That's what you were
But when did the doll ever conquer the master?
When he slipped back and let her on top for once
Kinda liking it, I drove to new speeds
Finding a new direction from the one of old
The one where you controlled me
Out of the question
Point blank
The tyrant is finally losing
Love of mine
rain down on me with drops as big as my hand
Lord, you know I need it
Stop this singing body, because the weakness dwells within her songs
Every sweet caress
Flesh on flesh
The distraction has always flamed, sheer will-power pitiful!
But finally
beneath my will I can slow down
70
60
50
40
The windows to my soul are opening...

It's Complicated...

Is life really a box of chocolates? because I fail to believe so. My assorted box seems to have a couple of loose nuts (I hate nuts), and I'm gagging on them.
I know the people that actually keep up with this thing, probably think that I've turned into some kind of pessimist, but that isn't so. I still believe in God. He's still the head. I just am going through an unavoidable rough patch lately. It's just there. I can't move around it. I can't run away from it. God gave me super strength to bear it, but I want more than anything in the world to lurch it far away from where I stand.
And what's funny is, I've been writing this way- not blogging- since well before the day that I changed my life forever. Four times I've done that. But I don't regret the other three, God being number one. But it's funny how I never realized before that I wrote sadly about these things so much, before. Well, I didn't want to realize. Anyway, back to the first line of this paragraph. It's not funny. I'm drowning in hysteria here.
But hey, what else do you do when someone rips out your beating heart, kisses it and then...I can't even say the words. Unbelievable! At least, though, it'll never be turned to stone- I'll never let it. But what do you do when your mind is played with by someone who isn't even aware that their doing it? Pray and focus. But, no, what do you do when eight years of your life, a certain almost four in particular, gets demolished by Hurricane Your Choices. Undecided.
My internal battle. My internal struggle. Almost the roughest of my life, but, in the end, I WILL WIN...
So, all is well.

Untitled

What to write, what to write?
The things in my mind,
threaten to rewind, and persuade me
of a previous time
For my mistakes
Am I to pay so dearly
Paying with my sanity,
my emotional and mental welfare
What happened to the previous me
Glad she's long gone
I don't miss her any more than the men she dated
and the dirt she's done
Tresspassing into territory forgotten is risky
But I'm determined to find out when everything took that wrong turn
I'm me
Perfect as can be
Sweet, sweet, and more sweet
A Saint
Could do no wrong before that infamous evening
Where I allowed him to show me more attention than he
A foolish thing
Silly child what were you thinking?
But I'm not paying for that, no
Not for going out and acting like a...you know
It started way before then
Love just blinded my vision to see it
God,
how long will I be tormented in agonizing pain
Haunted by dreams of my sin
Missing the ministry I could've given her
Missing the way I could've helped save her from him
If I had just simply walking away
Dear God,
If you would, please!
Take this shattered heart of my mind and mend it
How many times can it be broken before it simply stays that way?
Wow-in you I just want to lay
Rest on a cloud
Swim through the sea of purpose
An artist that I am
Because you called me to be...
But first, you painted me
Which was a most magnificent work than anything I could ever do
But,
By no comparison,
Even the Mona Lisa has its flaws
Yeah, if you look closely you can see it
Beauty fades and changes with each passing day
But virtue will forever stay
I lost it
And gained it back anew
Thanks to The Most High
Though my purchase was more than I bargained for
Both of them were
I pray thee, God keep me...

Blah

I haven't a clue why I haven't been on this thing. It's like my mind has been everywhere with the things going on in my life. There are the kids, hubby, of course, the constant editing and re-editing and polishing of my complete novels, and, now, I'm trying to complete Bare Naked by a certain deadline. I find deadlining myself with all tasks in my life, even down to the smallest things like, cleaning up and bathing the kids, help me to keep it altogether.
There is so much I can write, so much I would like to, but somehow, I find that my 'blog neglect' has something to do with something deeper going on in my life. I guess I'll stop for now. Funny for a person who always have something to say, and even more to write.
Until I pull myself to write something interesting, God Bless you all!

Jezebel I Was

If a man can't love you for you, run! Even though my story is a little different, from the first line, I just thought I'd share.
I used to be the most conniving, decietful female ever. With the gift of reading people, before dating I would mold myself to be whatever the man I so desired was into. I may have not been the finest or the most popular, but I would always draw men in with conversation, causing most I've ever dated to think that they were in love with me, never truly finding out that they were in love with the image I portrayed myself to be. I can see us spending our lives together, I want you to have my baby-all in casual conversation! Hello? Am I missing something. So when I was no longer interested, assuming he was the only one at the time, I would slowly but surely bolt. (In actuality, I think I've only really been in love twice, and the one that I cherish, in the beginning, was on the account of having the best sex I've ever had...just being honest).
Although I did feel bad for vain arrows that were shot, love was a great game that I couldn't get enough of. I loved that men fell for me the way they did...until it back-fired...bad...and years after that I met my match...I was like God isn't it bad enough that my game back-fired, then I still had to have a run-in with the devil in cuff-links. You truly do reap what you sow, and man it sucks being on the other side of the railroad.
And through all that, sometime ago, I realized that I never really knew who I was for bending over backward to please a man in things I wasn't even interested in. So not to bore anyone, but it's my blog so...a little about the woman I am today:
Christian
Humorous and loves to laugh the same
Spontaneous (Though, I've pulled back some-lol)
A reader who dwells in the art of words
Loves to talk with someone who knows how/ lol
Days of dressing like a slut are over
Very opinionated
Singer
Designer (Someday I'll do something with it)
Loud (naturally) but Quiet (when I don't yet know what to think of a person)
Well this small list was more for me then the less than 1 percent of people that may actually read this. So cool beans...Also the old me is almost a mirror image of the herione in one the books I'm working on, Jezebel She Was. TTYL.

The Saying You Never Know What You Had Until It's Gone...

I've been pondering this thought for years...After being in an on again, off again relationship with my husband since the age of 13, we married when I was at the tender age of eighteen, a month before his twentieth birthday. I've always believed that we were meant, but a short while back I've realized that we did not really marry within the will of God. Having lived together for month unwed, me striving to be righteous and him leaning on my spirituality and trying to find his way, when God let it linger on me that the relations and living arrangements that I had weren't right especially when he was calling me to ministry, I told him. I was on my way to the army and I made it clear that I was moving on with my life and seeing how we had always talked about getting married, on June 1, 2005 we took the plunge.
Our lives together before marriage had been crazy and once we did get married, that did not particularly change. We fought and argued prior to, and fought and argued after. We had had problems with exchanges with the opposite sex prior to and the same after. At one point (or-let me not lie, several points) I had cried out to God, "Lord, what have I done?" I have dealt with the worst out of our relationship before and after marriage. Via some of the trials and tribulations I have been through as an individual and as a half, I am now stronger in Christ than I've ever been, and it seems to be that dealing with my husband is the only place I lack, or should I say being attacked (by Satan).
The other day I was reading "What the Devil Knows About a Woman That Most Men Don't" by J. Wesley Williams II and I was struck when I read:

I am sure that there are hundreds, if not thousands of women who can attest to the fact that wehn you met your man, he wasn't sure if he was coming or going. And even though you knew most of what he presented was abig frong, there was something about him you could not resist. You saw his potentetial. You saw his potential and his promise. If you were among the fortunate few women who actually found a brother who had his act together, it was because he was blessed to have his father to speak into his life. Unfortunately, the man who does not have a father or father figure in his life will most assuredly be asleep.

When I read that, it dawned on me. I most definitely saw my husband's potential; spiritually, career-wise. I saw the security that he would provide. I saw that despite his many short-comings, he did fear the Lord. He had grown up in the church but gained a relationship through watching my desire to be righteous. I saw that he wanted better for himself and did not want to resemble anything or most men that he had grown up around.

So I'm giving God the glory for the fact that He is:

- Striving to be righteous, despite the way I, myself have hurt him

- Definitely trying to work on his short-commings

- He believes in my success and supports me in my writing efforts

- Allows me to stay at home with the kids and work towards my dream

- A Mechanical Engineer (Awesome!)

- He loves children

- He loves me to the point...It would take forever to explain

- He has been there with me through the worst

- He does not try to run away whenever we have trouble

- He would do anything, that wouldn't shame God, to take care of his family...and the list goes on.

This is not saying that anyone should go out and deliberately marry outside of the will of God. If you are single allow God to guide you. Be righteous and true to God, both men and women and you will surely be rewarded. This is just to say spiritual or not, men are not perfect and most men that are in my life that are spiritual, and are not, all have their short-commings. I'm just grateful that in spite of the fact that we didn't exactly wait on God's timing, He was still gracious enough to work in our marriage and I thank Him and rejoice for my husband.

They say you never know what you had until it's gone. And besides his potential and the spiritual reasons I could not walk out on my marriage, this was the second thing that kept me grounded and when I'm angry beyond reason, I first, pray for strength, and second, a lot of the times I think of this. So therefore instead of lingering on the bad things, I keep this saying in mind and think about what I have, so that I'll never lose it.

God Bless you all!